Paraka (paraka) wrote,

Thinky Thoughts.

First off, Happy Birthday kaaatie! I hope you had a great day!

So, remember last week how I was mentioning feeling blue? Well, sometimes I just get into these moods, where I feel sad. If things are stressfull in my life then these moods can be blown into full out depression complete with suicidal thoughts and self harm, but a lot of the time, it just makes me want to cry. Normally what I'll do is go and find a really angsty fic, and cry over that, and feel better. This week I didn't though, so when my sister announced that she was pregnant, I cried over that. A lot.

I made the mistake of telling my mom that I was crying so much becuase I was feeling blue. And now... well she wants to *fix* it. I find this frustrating for a couple reasons.
1) She doesn't seem to realize that there's a difference between depression and PMS.
2) She tries to compair me to other people. My mom can also be very preachy when she wants to be. Which is often.
and 3) She wants me to go to the Dr.s about it. I really don't want to do this.

Last time I mentioned to my Dr. that I get depressed he put me on a series of drugs, even though I wasn't feeling depressed at the time, and it totally *fucked* my life up. It made me *really* depressed. When I was a teenager I had done stupid things like cutting, and ended up in the ER once after trying to kill myself, but since then, I had stopped. Until I was put on the stupid drugs, and now..? well, I do it more often then I'd like to admit. I'm off the drugs now, but the thought of going back on something really freaks me out. I don't remember really having these "blue" periods befre I took the drugs. I don't even know if these types of drugs can affect you is such a way, but, god, I'm really bad at taking drugs regularly. I can't even manage to stay on the pill for more than a few months, because I just end up forgetting to take the damn things. I can't stand the thought of becoming relient on drugs to get through the day, because I don't trust myself to stay on them. And what if they fuck me over more?

So, *everyone* remembers the whole race debate that went on earlier this year. I think about it quite a lot actually. It was the first time that I really got involved in a thing like this. I spent a *lot* of time reading what other people had to say, and then defending myself when I posted publicly about it on my LJ. I don't know, a lot of it stuck with me when going through fandom.

A lot of people would think that was good, and the whole point of having that debate, but I can't help but thing I'd be dissapointing them, because I tend to think of all the "side" arguments that went on. You know the ones that people would complain are either missing the point, or a weak attempt to change the point/subject.

For example, one of the stories that kept getting mentioned was String Theory by toft_froggy because Teyla was simply Rodney's driver in the fic.
I hadn't read the fic at the time, but someone posted a podfic of it over at sgapodfic so I finally listened to it today.

After reading it, and remembering what people were saying about it back when, I was really surprised at Teyla's part in the fic. Not because she was a driver, but because so many people tried to justify Teyla in that position by saying she was so much *more* than a driver to Rodney. Wha? She was barely in it? and one of the only scenes where she and Rodney spoke she was asking for a day off, much like Bob Cratchit asked Ebenezer Scrooge for Christmas off. I can totally see why people would be thrown off by Teyla's part in this fic.

The same thing happened with the original Barista!Ronon fic. So many people came to the author's defense saying that Ronon was a Big Important Character in the fic, and wasn't he *awesome* in his part? Ronon was barely in the fic, hadn't much to do with the story line, and you could have easily inserted a different character into that position and not changed the feel of the story one bit.

I don't know, to me, it sounds so much better to say, well this person was a secondary character to my story so just got shoved in, than to try and justify and/or hide the fact that they were just shoved in.

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